Well, not completely, seeing as how I'm at home and connected to the internet. I don't know who's connection it is, but if my computer wants to connect for now, who am I to judge? Besides, it's probably our jerk-ass neighbors who have kids that sneak in and out at all hours of the night and that throw beer cans in our yard and then have the parents call the cops on us for some vandalization they've done...if that's the case, then we've earned this connection.

Anyway, Thanksgiving has come and gone. My sister flew down for the occasion, and as the day of her arrival grew nearer, I started to get excited to see her again (I hadn't seen her since just after xmas '08). So Kenny and I drove down to G'boro to meet her (even Kenny was excited to see her, despite all the nasty messages she's left him over the past few months--apparently, he and Lorri just aren't good enough friends for her most times); we met her at the mall and hugged her and it was cool, then we brought her up to the food court because she was jonesing for Chickfila. Within moments of sitting down, she'd snapped at me and I was done (and I knew it wasn't just my imagination because Kenny shot me a look when it happened). Every place we went that day, it was a constant barrage of eye rolls, "Stop it, Megan" and "Megan, don't." No lie.

Needless to say, my excitement at seeing her wore off pretty quickly.

Since she'd rented a car, she drove off seperately at the end of the day (and for those playing the home game, she opted not to stay with her mother and sister for the week, but with our aunt and uncle, who not only had their own children and one grandchild staying there, but also host our big family Thanksgiving dinner every year...my aunt totally needed that kind of added stress), Kenny and I went to a winery on the way back. And I felt compelled to smoke a couple of cigarettes after the attack of my sister. She makes me twitch.

She spent Sunday with all of us (me, Kenny, Lorri and my mom, shockingly) and was quite pleasant...she wasn't rude to me at all. Of course, I barely spoke to her, and didn't dare act like myself, because apparently this is what makes her roll her eyes. Didn't see much of her outside of that, not even on Thanksgiving. She ate with everyone, then bolted from the table and spent time with our cousin (who, by the by, lives in CT and is only about a 5 hour drive, so she could see her any time she wanted, really) or slept. She called me on Tuesday at one point to see if I wanted to have dinner with "them" (whomever that was), which kind of irritated me simply because I'd mentioned several times that I was disappointed that I was going to have to miss family dinner stuff all week because I had rehearsals (my show opened--and closed--this past weekend...more on that in a seperate post). It felt like she was rubbing it in my face that I couldn't be there, and she certainly didn't rush to invite me to hang out with her and our cousin that night, either.

She stopped by our house once and only for about 10-15 minutes to see "her" dog (and she didn't even want to hold him! "He'll get my clothes all hairy!")...she did come to see my show, but wound up coming to the final dress rehearsal (generous, no? My fault, though...I gave her that out, but judging by the message she'd left Kenny earlier that day--who had no interest in being ignored all week just to be squeezed in before she left--it sounded like my play was going to just break up her whole day so whatever).

Anyway, my severe irritation lies in the pics she posted on FB about her Thanksgiving--she went to some petting zoo that's somewhat in the area with our cousins and didn't bother to invite me. I mean, she knows I'm unemployed, so it wasn't like I was at work or something. Pick up the phone and call. But no. She didn't ever even call our mom to find out if she wanted to do something (our mom had a lot of time off that week and had told my sister, who conveniently forgot). She never called me during the day to spend time with her. She only called in the evening when she knew I had obligations.

I love my sister, but she's a bitch. And I hope karma kicks her ass. Soon.

Especially for that whole having an affair with an engaged guy thing, then having the nerve to be upset with a friend for not consoling her when the dude got married. She's her father's damn daughter.

Now I'm really irritated and moderately depressed. This entry was not as cathartic as it should have been.

So, this dream I had last night bears repeating. It was just odd.

I was in a rush to go see the new X-Files movie (XF 3) which I hadn't heard much about because I don't have tv and couldn't see the commericals (apparently, in my dream, I didn't have access to public wi-fi, either). I was supposed to go see it at 6 and I was trying to get out of this building, which I think was supposed to be my old high school. I finally got out of the building and the are was set up like a cross between Radford, where I went to college, and the Mall area of DC; so it was kinda small, green, and filled with landmarks and buildings that I think were supposed to be the Smithsonian and such (this is probably the influence of watching so much Bones lately). Anyway, I exited the area and realized I was on the wrong side of it all and had to hustle to the other side to get the movie theatre. I get there and my ticket says theatre 5 at 6pm, but I can't find theatre five because the theatres keep changing numbers and shows (ps, this theatre looked a bit like the old Rives Cinema in M'ville, but it's odd because that theatre had only 2 screens and this one had many). At this point it's already 6 and I'm panicked; I walk into a room to find what looks like a giant swap meet/flea market/Trek convention. This is not where I want to be, so I go back and manage to find my theatre and it's down a long dark hall (kind of cool for an XF movie) and one of the people walking in front of me turns around and it's an old friend from hs, Cory, whom I haven't seen in a long time ('cause he wasn't really a friend so much as a tool).

Then here's the part that gets jumbled (because the rest of isn't strange enough)...watching the movie and it has, like, season 1 Scully (and we all know what a hot mess season 1 Scully was), but not from any ep I'd ever seen, so it was clearly the movie. I'm pretty sure Mama Scully made an appearance (woot!), and I remember trying to figure out if she'd died in the series or not during this whole dream. The end of the movie seemed kind of 3-D, I think...and then Jane Seymour was there...I don't know if she was in the movie, or came out of it at the 3-D part or what, but there she was. And I think Rosie O'Donnell was there, too.

So...any thoughts or interpretations for me?

I've started it but have yet to really create it. VA_IsForWinos. I'm sure there's a way to link it but at the moment...meh. That's the name of it. Please join if you like, even if you don't live in VA. I want wine geeks of all sorts to be able to enjoy the community. And I also want people to feel free to add their own opinions about wineries and such.

Sweet.

So, I came across an old X-Files tape of mine last night (oh yeah...I still have most of the eps on tape from years ago before I got the DVDs) and it was epic. The eps on it are Alpha, Trevor, Milagro, The Unnatural, Three Of A Kind and Field Trip.

Season 6 of X-Files was amazing. It had it's dark moments, but overall, it was just fun to watch. I love the lighthearted stuff they did; the show was so dark in general, and most of the series was just such a downer, having almost a whole season of fun eps is just awesome.

I present to you, for proof of fun eps: Triangle (oh, so much fun!), Dreamland I & II (even more fun!), How The Ghosts Stole Christmas (makes me laugh every time), The Rain King (um, yes), Agua Mala (come on, people), Arcadia (hells yes), The Unnatural (a triumphant writing debut for Duchovny), and Three Of A Kind (one of the best Gunmen eps). All so entertaining to watch. And then there are the less uplifting but still amazing eps--Tithonus, Monday, Alpha (hello? Jealous Scully!), Milagro (looooove me some Milagro), and I'll even give honorable mention to Two Fathers and One Son (One Son, mostly for the naked scene).

Anyway, I love the levity. I love the choices that were made and the chances that they took. And I'm sorry, but there's nothing better than a jealous Scully in Alpha (crazy dog woman--stay away from my manses), and an over-protective and jealous Mulder in Milagro ("Agent Scully is already in love."). So much goodness crammed into one season.

But let me say this--I think the levity is one of the reasons I like Bones so much. It's like the X-Files but it doesn't take itself so seriously. The characters are more like real people (despite that most are certified geniuses) and they say stupid things and laugh at each other and it's not all about the end of the world.

I blame Chris Carter for all that nonsense--he thought he was god, apparently.

Plus, David Boreanaz is hot.

Voodoo dumpling, anyone?

Wanted to add...wisdom teeth can eat me.

All of Monday and Tuesday, I had this killer headache and stabbing pain on the left side of my face. It hurt so bad I was crying in pain AND frustration and hitting the counter because I couldn't get it to stop. The only thing that helped was just barely cold water that I would hold in my mouth. Then the pain would stop. Not the handfuls of pills I'd taken for almost 2 days at this point...just water. For some reason, it occured to me that it might have something to do with my teeth, even though they, fortunately, haven't been sensitive to extreme heat or cold or sugar (yay for not being a cavity!). Anyway, got bold enough to poke around in my mouth and realized that my back gum was sore and a little puffy. Looked up some sypmtoms of wisdom teeth on my phone and it sounded like that could be my problem. So, I took five advil, then one of my pain pill that I saved my car accident and one of my sleepy pills from the same accident and felt nothing. I babbled for a while but once I crawled into bed, I was out. Wednesday, I looked up wisdom teeth more thoroughly and I believe this is what's causing the pain. Fortunately, the pain has not been nearly as horrible since then (knock on wood!), but now a few of my back teeth are sore. I mean, I'm sure that's bound to happen when you have a new tooth pushing it's way through your gums but still...owie.

On the upside, I only have one wisdom tooth, and from the x-rays I saw of it back in the day, it was perfectly straight and lovely and angled correctly, so hopefully it will continue this way.

On the downside, I definitely don't have insurance right now (and after my last dentist visit, I've been really reluctant to go back) so if something goes wrong, I'm fracked.

So, yesterday, I may have watched my friends' marriage dissolve. Awesome, huh? It was a horrible thing to witness.

Let me see if I can condense it a bit...

( The condensed but still long-winded version is under here )


Anyway, that's that. My mom heard from the male half of the relationship this morning and he said he'd tell us what happened later on, so I guess he went to work today. We told him we'd support him in whatever he decides, whether it's to stay with her and try to work it out, or if he decides to leave. All I know is that he said he wasn't happy anymore, even though he loves her with all his heart, and that he can't trust her.

I can tell it's affecting me because I yelled at our dog this morning--enough to make him hide--and then sobbed hysterically while I hugged him and apologized for being so mean. I don't think this is going to be pretty.

So, I've been slacking about updating. Not that anyone reads this anyway, but I digress.

To start off with, the move back into my mom's house at the end of August went well. The first thing we did was go out to dinner with our friends Kenny & Lorri (whom I heart so very much and will continue to play a part in most of my adventures). A few days later we had dinner with the family, and all of them were happy to have me in the area.

I've been doing a whole lot of not much during the week--I go to the library and try to look for jobs, but I don't know what I want to do with my life, so it's hard to search for something that you don't yet know. I watch movies and old tv shows on dvd (no cable or tv at all in the house at the moment...hopefully, once I'm employed, we can fix that). I go visit my mom at work, sometimes go to Walmart or Big Lots...nothing terribly exciting.

The weekends we usually spend with Kenny & Lorri, which is always fun. We usually go to Roanoke or Greensboro for the day--fairly boring locations, but when we're together, we make any place entertaining as hell. This past weekend (which we made into a 4-day weekend), we drove up and down the mountain (and let me tell you, it's quite the sight to see in the fall) and went to G'boro late at night, explored Chatham and went to a new vineyard, and hit up Scaremare in Lynchburg (which is awesome, until you get to the end where all of a sudden it's about God and saving your soul) (ps...I'm the worst person to take to a haunted anything...I walk up to all the ghouls and such and say hi and scream at them, stalk them, etc...they don't usually scare me and I'm way too peppy). I took over 800 pictures in 2 days on our adventures.

But, I've also been trying to fight off depression. I think I've only been half-way succeeding. I've been out of work for almost six months. It's rough. It's like, I think I need to talk about how hard and depressing it is, but I don't have anyone to really talk to, and if I write about it here, I'll just get more upset and then where will I be?

There may be a small flicker of hope on my horizon...I sent in an application today and got a call back within half an hour. I'll give them a shout out in a bit when I leave the library.

Also, I think I'm going to start a new LJ community for VA Wine. I'm going to post my opinions of the vineyards I hit. I would love to have people join in and give their thoughts as well. Anyone down with that?

PS, I'm going to try this whole cut thing. ( This is only a test )


( read more )

So, how to describe the past couple of days?

I know, I know...I should probably describe what the last month has been like since I returned to casa del madre. I'll get to that. Eventually.

Saturday, Oct 3, I saw Jersey Boys in DC. It was one of the most amazing things EVER. I wish I could have taken pictures during the show because there were some amazing visuals. It was sooooo fantastic. The dude who played Frankie Valli sounded JUST LIKE HIM.

Let me just say...the moment the music started, tears formed in my eyes. I managed to keep myself in check until intermission when I got weepy--I was just so excited about it! And this show is so captivating. I don't know if I blinked the whole time. I didn't shift around in my seat, I didn't wonder what time it was...my only concern was that it was going by too fast. But it was amazing. I stronly suggest that anyone and everyone go see it. Just listening to the soundtrack isn't enough.

Sunday, Oct 4, is on my mind right now. And let me just share why. People probably wouldn't believe me if I told them but I don't care. My mom and I went out to dinner with Kenny & Lorri last night (that's not the unbelievable part yet), then we picked up some libations and tried to go out to the lake to a cemetary to use their Ouija board. Anyway, we go there, but there was a guard hanging about so we couldn't sneak in, so we wound up going back to Kenny & Lorri's. We lit a few tealights and settled in. Asked a couple of questions and didn't get an answer, so then we had Kenny ask if Joe Smith (my grandfather) was there and the pointer (planchette) kind of moved and my mom took her hands off of it. Then I asked if he was there and the planchette moved over to YES. So we asked a few questions and got some feedback and it was awesome. I asked if Judy Garland was around and got a resounding NO. My mom asked about her Aunt Helen (who made a cameo) and got to talk to her for a bit and asked if she was with the rest of her family (she was). I then asked if Katharine Hepburn was around, just for shits and giggles, and the planchette flew over to YES. We asked her a few questions (like if there was water where she was and if it was as nice as Connecticut--yes to both) and then apparently my mother (mentally) asked something and the planchette flew down to GOODBYE so apparently Mom said something offensive and wouldn't repeat it.

Anyway, Lorri asked about her Aunt D and if she'd passed over, and fortunately she had. Kenny found out that the person who he thought was his father isn't actually so, but all we could get from the Ouija was the letter H. It kept going back to H. Very odd. I asked if my grandmother was around and she talked to us for a while, found out that she's always with us and has been sending my mother feathers--turns out she was losing a game of Pinochle because she was talking to us so we let her go. I asked about Fred & Ginger, who weren't hanging around, but James Dean was. As was Anne Boleyn and Eleanor of Acquitaine (righteous!). We also found out (because the Ouija started this one...it spelled out R-E-B-A, which took us a minute to figure out) Kenny will be performing live with Reba McIntire at some point, and that I would be meeting Julie Andrews. Also that I would be getting married and not divorced (curses) and that it would be an actual wedding and not something that I do drunkly at Vegas (double curses!). Also found out that I'll never see my father again, though he'll see me, and he'll come visit Jennie. Found out that one of the houses we lived in in NC was, in fact, haunted, as I'd suspected and that they sometimes hung around in my closet (again, something I'd suspected), but stopped there shenanigans after Jennie started to share my room. We also found out that Patrick Swayze has passed and is no longer in pain; found out that Michael Jackson did indeed molest little boys, he is not being rehabilitated and the favor is being returned to him.

We found out that the four of us together have the ability to make the Ouija board work...my grandfather was the one who opened the door for us last night, and he would always be the one to open it for her. Who knows who'll be the ones to open it for the rest of us. I'm hoping mine is Katharine Hepburn, just because that would be amazing! Even if it's not, I got to talk to her...and found out that she's with Spencer Tracey, there's wine where she is and that she knows my grandfather.

It was an amazing and surreal night, and I absolutely cannot wait to do it again.

ETA: We also spoke with Bea Arthur (who seemed to be quite playful and kept screwing around with the planchette) and Jerry Orbach, who was wonderfully droll and burned me nicely.

Two weeks.

That's all I have left in Nova, and it's getting harder every day.

I saw lots of people last week, so that was nice. David, Crystal, Mark, Roger and Annie on Monday; Teena, Hannah and Danielle on Wednesday; and then on Friday I got to hang out with The Dreamscapes Project and their wives. It's been great to see so many people that I haven't spent time with in the last few years.

Guess I figured I'd be here for a while, so what was the rush.

Thursday night, I did have a bit of a breakdown, though. I was packing up bits of things, and putting away pictures into my photobox and came across pictures of me and my friend Danielle and lost it. I sobbed so hard; my heart hurt so badly. There are some people that will be harder to part from.

Cynical as it sounds, I don't believe for a minute that most, if any, of these people will still be my friends six months from now. For starters, apparently I'm just not good at keeping friends. I think my record over the last couple of years should prove that, even though I still have no idea of what went wrong with things. Also, I seem to be the one that lifts out of places. I have little to no contact with the people I went to high school with (though, really, I'm not too broken up over that) and the people I went to college with. No invites to weddings or gatherings or anything. It's almost like I wasn't even there. Ultimately, it's probably for the best--in retrospect, I was always the odd man out even in college, so spending my time chasing after these people probably would've led to even more gray hair.

But that brings me to another point--I'm constantly chasing after people. I try to spend time with people and constantly get brushed off. People swear up and down that they'll make time for me but never do. I don't want to have to chase after people. Especially right now. I sent out emails and such to people that I want to spend time with before I go, and let them all know to just tell me when they were free and I'd get together with them. I've heard from people, but not a lot of follow up. Basically, my schedule at that point was wide open, so I was free to work around other people and their lives. But now...it's getting down to the wire and I can't chase anyone. If people want to see me, they have to let me know.

Arg.

Now, I'm sad and frustrated.

I'm just not looking foward to being in southwest VA again. There's NOTHING there. It's a 40 minute drive just to get to Target. Almost an hour to get to a decent mall or Best Buy. And that's just the little things. As far as culture and activities go, forget it. The people around there consider it a good night if they get to hang out in the back of several pick-up trucks in the parking lot of the old CVS with a few cases of Bud. There's a 24 hour Walmart and not much else. My mom has no internet and no TV at the moment (no converter box and no cable so...no TV). I don't exactly have friends down there, either. Not that that's somehow different from when I was in high school. I lived without friends before; I can do it again.

It just kills me that my mom's so excited about this. She's so happy that I'm going to be there; I keep telling her that I'm not excited about this and to not expect me to be. She says she understands but she's still excited. I'm just concerned about the fall out from all this--she's going to be jumping with joy and I'm going to be laying on my bed, staring at the wall. She's not going to understand.

It's interesting the things you discover about yourself. Granted, this is a slightly older discovery, but a recent event made it fresh in my mind, so I thought I'd share.

I was watching Dr.Quinn yesterday (yes, I know...if someone can figure out how I can go from watching the entire series of Star Trek Voyager to Dr.Quinn Medicine Woman, please let me know. My interests are very eclectic) and I came upon this episode called The First Circle. Basically, it was about this guy who brought the KKK to town, and how he managed to rope most of the guys in town into joining this new "club" and then how they targeted the black couple who'd just bought a house in the middle of town. Heavy stuff.

So, I'm watching it, and every time they show these guys in their Klan robes, I felt myself start to shake. I'd get kind of nauseous and uncomfortable and would feel myself start to get teary-eyed. This shit seriously upsets me. And then I remembered watching part of Fried Green Tomatoes with my roommate a few months ago, and there was a part that involved the KKK and I couldn't watch any further. I had to leave the room.

There's one other thing that freaks me out on TV and in movies--someone getting smacked around. Anyone out there remember those spousal abuse ads on TV a while back--there'd be a kid sitting on the stairs listening to his parents fight, or the neighboring couple who heard the wife get smacked around but didn't want to interfere? I had to cover my ears during those commercials. I remember watching Melrose Place when I was 13 and Jo got whacked around by her boyfriend...I had to stop watching and go to the basement to get away. I also remember sitting on my bed in college my junior year, watching ER. Abby had gotten involved in her neighbor's domestic violence and helped the wife get away, but then the angry abusive husband came after Abby. He kicked open the door and smacked her and she flew across the room...it freaked me out so bad that I curled up into a ball and cried a bit.

I can watch horror movies and not be bothered by the blood and the gore and the screaming and chasing and things lurking about. I can be alone in my house for days on end and not get freaked out about the dangers that could be outside. I walk by myself down to 7-Eleven at midnight because I have a yen for a Slurpee, and I'm never concerned about it.

But...the KKK represents hate. Pure, unfounded, stupid hate for the sake of hate. And that scares the fuck out of me. Maybe it's because I was raised in such a liberal atmosphere, but it's something that my mind can't comprehend. And maybe because I can't categorized it that it scares me so much. At one point, I lived next door to Klan members, and in a town that actually had KKK parades. I don't understand how, especially at this day and age, how people can be so narrow-minded and think that hating and killing people based on skin tone and gender and beliefs is cool. IT'S NOT COOL. And it makes no sense.

I get the feeling that if I'd been around during the Civil War, I'd have been an abolitionist. I probably would have gotten shot for being so vocal about it, especially since I have a vagina, but at least I'd die for a worthwhile cause.

As for the abuse thing...well...I won't go into all the hairy details but when you grow up hearing your parents smack each other around, the whole idea--even if it's only on TV--can freak you out. The sound of flesh hitting flesh, of a body hitting a wall or the floor...it's not pretty.

Anyway, I just had to get that off my chest.

So, it looks like the two posts in one day thing is becoming a regular occurrence, but this is a different topic.

I've been making slow progress with my 101 in 1001 days challenge, but I'm proud that I've been keeping at it. I don't know how many of you read this thing, but if you're interested in my list, the link should be somewhere over
<-----------
(if it isn't, let me know)

I'm going to update it as soon as I'm done with this entry. But I also wanted to pimp my vid here as well.

I make vids...did you know that? If you're interested in seeing the rest, let me know and I'll give you my YouTube link. Anyway, one of my challenges is to make 6 new vids (which may not seem like a lot, but since the last time I made a vid was a year and a half ago, it might be quite the challenge), and I finally made a new one last week. Considering I had the original concept in November or December and I put it off thinking I'd get a new computer before long, most of the original idea has been lost in the vast recesses of my noodle...it turned out all right. Especially when you consider how worn down my current computer is.

On that same note, I think I have to get a new computer this weekend, like it or not. The power cord is so very temperamental and I'm not sure, but it sounds like the hard drive is doing a kind of creaky rattle thing once in a while, which scares the crap out of me. But, it's time to upgrade, and since I've had this computer for 4 years and I've beaten it into the ground, it's done its duty.

Anyway, here's the vid





If you enjoy it, please let me know...feedback is good for the soul.

Oy. Basically, I've made what has been one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make.

I'm moving back home with my mom.

I feel like a failure.

I realize that most people move back in with their parents at least once in their life--it happens to the best of us. But...I've been taking care of myself for a long time. I've been moderately self-independent since I was about 16. I mean, in college, I'd get groceries and stuff from the parentals, just as most did, but I've been been working since I was 16; I bought my first tv and vcr (am I dating myself with that one) with my own money, same as my first computer when I got to college. And despite my asshole sperm donor constantly saying "If your grades start to drop we're taking it (*it* being either my tv or my computer) away," I knew that it was never going to happen because I paid for it. It was mine and couldn't be taken from me. Hell, I'm still paying for college...that was all on my dime. I moved up to Nova with negative $200 in my bank account and never once took any sort of loan my sister offered to help me when times were tough. Not even when my car broke down and it took me 8 months to be able to afford to get it fixed.

Fiercely independent? Me? Surly you jest.

And don't call me Shirley.

Anyway, it's been a tough decision, but ultimately, I think it's for the best. What have I got here, really? Some friends, yes, which is nice, but not worth going bankrupt. I don't like the idea of living in Collinsville again, but I like the idea of being homeless even less. The hardest part is going to be the absolute lack of culture.

Imagine going from living in DC to living in a small town whose greatest claim to fame is that it has the oldest and smallest Nascar track. Woot woot. The thrill of it all.

As for the whole theatre situation...well, let's just say that it's slim pickins. I've found a couple of places that might sort of do theatre, and I'd have to drive an hour each way. Which, really, isn't that different than sitting in traffic to go from Centreville to Arlington but still...it's rough.

What's ironic about this whole thing is that I was offered a job on Sunday. No joke. I called my mom Tuesday night and told her what I was planning on doing, then told my roommate and my Maya on Wednesday. Friday, I sent out a few messages on Facebook to let people know that I was leaving at the end of the month and if they wanted to get together before I adios, let me know. Sunday, I'm at a vineyard with a friend and long story short...job offer.

Let me elaborate on this a bit. I went to Miracle Valley Vineyard on Sunday with my wine buddy Nancy; we have a couple of bottles and then pack it up. Well, I decided I wasn't quite ready to be done with wineries, so I decided to try a new one I saw a sign for called Vintage Ridge, which was only a couple of miles in the other direction. Tried it, it was delightful, yay! Anyway, I'm driving down the street and I see a sign that says Aspen Dale Winery At The Barn and points off in another direction. All righty. I figured I'd go and see if I could make it before closing; managed to just barely make it and get my taste on. Talked to the guy who was doing the tasting, very friendly. Then his wife comes over and talks to me; his wife, mind you, is also the owner. So, we're talking and talking and eventually she said that my tasting was going to be free because she'd kept me around so long. Then she asked me to talk to her in her office. Anyway, so we talk some more (I don't remember a whole lot of details...I think the wine mixed with the sun hit me a lot harder than I thought) and I found out that she's written books and sold screen plays and has done all sorts of amazing crap all over the place, and that she's looking for an assistant--someone to help with tastings, with making wine, to help with the horses, to help her make documentaries or whatever else she might need help with. She had been looking for someone with wine experience but wasn't opposed to someone who didn't have it and would I maybe be interested in this? Then she had me talk with all her other employees (all 3 of them that were around) and then came back to talk to me a little more. Got basic questions like "Are you okay with a background check?" (which is a yes--other than bad credit, I'm fairly boring) and "Would a drug test concern you?" (which is a no, seeing as how I drink and that's about it). The pay wouldn't be a whole lot, and it would be a 3 month trial, of course, but there's a guest house on the property that I could live in for only $200 a month, including utilities. They'd prefer if I didn't have a lot of traffic going in and out, which wouldn't be an issue, seeing as how I'm, again, a fairly boring person. Her only issues with me are my earrings, my (visible) tattoo and my thumb ring. Apparently, she's a traditionalist and these things don't sit well with her.

Seems pretty amazing, right? Too good to be true, and if my only concerns are taking out my earrings and not wearing a thumb ring, it can't be too bad. But something just isn't sitting right with me about this. If this had come up in May, I'd be all over it. But now...I still don't want to take a job just because it's being offered to me, no matter how good it sounds. And it does sound really good but...I don't know. I think I need to get away from Nova for a while. Granted, this winery is out in Delaplane, but it's close enough. And I don't know why, but the issue with my earrings and thumb ring (of all things) kind of bothers me. It seems kind of narrow-minded, and it'd I hate to get involved in this place and find out these are not the kind of people I could work with. And then there's the question of what happens in 3 months if it isn't working out. Then I'd have to move all over again, and right around Christmas.

So, I'm a touch conflicted. Especially since I'm supposed to call her today and talk to her about it (because she said she wanted to marinate on it for a while too). But if I didn't jump at the chance and if I'm still sitting here thinking that this just isn't right, despite it being an opportunity that I'd ordinarily die to have...this isn't the right move for me to make.

The upside of moving in with my mom...my family. I'd get to see them a whole lot and it's kind of hard being away from them.

Again I say...FML.

So, I've had something else weighing heavily on my thoughts as of late. As if being unemployed and not knowing when I'll actually get a job isn't bad enough. Anyway, I guess it was end of May or early June that Maya told me that after her lease is up next April, it's almost definite that she'll being moving to Texas with her boyfriend, to spend time with his mother who is in poor health. I understand, but I don't like it. I kind of feel like I just got her back, and even better is that we live down the street from each other, and soon it'll be over. So, this isn't cool.

But...*sigh* My roommate came in from a trip to Ohio on 6/21 and told me that she'd made a decision that would affect both of us; she was going to let the bank have her house. She's having a hard time making ends meet from month to month, even with me there and she's tired of being broke and having nothing. This way, she'll be able to save money and be able to afford living in an apartment. She said that she wanted me to stay until it was time to get out of the house, which looks like it'll be around December; it just wasn't feasible for her to maintain a house, nor did she really care about things like the lawn. I understand, it's just more than my mind can really comprehend at the moment, even almost a month later. If I don't get a job, I'm effed. I'll have to move back down to Martinsville and in with my mom. Seriously, that'll be my only option. So, I guess that if by October I'm still unemployed, I'll be moving further south. One way or another, I have to move again, and relatively soon. I just moved at the end of October/beginning of November...I wasn't planning on moving again for a while.

Of course, all of this went down just moments before my birthday began. Awesome.

FML.

So, Six Flags...gonna go out on a limb and say fairly righteous.

First of all, not the ghetto I was expecting; the park was clean, the employees friendly and the rides plentiful. Yes, there were a lot of black people, but it was in Largo, MD. It's like being shocked that there are rich, white people in Connecticut--it is what it is.

So, we started off with the waterpark, and it was totally satisfactory. The Tornado--aka, Giant Funnel of Doom--was awesome, of course; it's just like the one at King's Dominion. There was another 4 person rider that had a gigantic section of pitch black, swirling death. Another really freaky one was these two that were side by side; one was green and only had a small section that was enclosed; the rest was an open tube. The other was orange and completely closed in until the end. Both had steep drops but the orange was a bit steeper. Maya decided she wanted to ride the orange; Bex and Annie wanted to ride the green, so I had to cowboy up and ride the orange line. Maya went first and upon hearing her scream, I thought I might vomit. Anyway, I hopped in and plunged into darkness and screamed my little heart out...and giggled like a five year old when it was over. Totally worth it. Anyway, we spent some time in the wave pool and lazy river, then dried off and ate lunch at the car.

So, let me tell you...this place has got some coasters. Holy crap, just...yeah. Superman--the Ride of Steel was deliciously horrifying. This thing was just HOOOOOOOGE. The first drop was killer--so steep that even with my eyes closed it felt like we were going straight down. And this thing sprawled on forever; it's probably a good two minutes long. Then there's the Batwing, where you ride face down. Yikes. And the Joker's Jinx--it's like a Wild Mouse Coaster on crack, with the added bonus that it shoots you off from the starting gate, so you get that involuntary scream. So amazing. The wooden coasters were awesome; there was a ride that is probably very similar to Pirates of the Carribean; I was convinced to go on their version of the Drop Zone--not nearly as high as KD, but didn't matter when I got to the top. I'd been screaming all day in fun, but this was the only right to illicit a scream of actual terror as I fell. Fuck me in the ass man. But, they also had Tea Cups! Yay! I've only been on those once, and that was over 7 years ago at Disneyland. All in all, it was quite the day.

My only complaint is that there's no where to put your bags as you go on a ride; you have to rent a locker. And the catch is that if you open up the locker after you've locked it, that's it. You only get once chance. So, we wound up leaving our bags in the car. On the upside, it kept us from buying worthless crap. On the downside...not a lot of pictures. Oh well...if I go again, I'll be prepared.

I've had people friending me on facebook, especially lately, from high school that I don't believe I ever spoke to. And seeing as how there was MAYBE 600 people in my high school (at least at the start of the school year), it's fairly unusual to have not talked to most of these people. But, like, a couple of people from my sister's class, whom I'm fairly certain never liked me and probably were actually the perpetrators of several rumors about me over the years, wanted to be my facebook friends.

I find this interesting.

On the total bonus, I'm going to Six Flags Ghettoland tomorrow. I've never been to this park before, so I'm looking forward to it. I mean, I've heard it's quite ghetto, but I can live with that. The pictures of it look decent, and the site shows that it has a crapload of rides to keep me entertained for hours. And since we're going on a Wednesday, the lines shouldn't be too bad at all. Plus, it has a built in waterpark so score!

Yeah, so, I've been out of work for just over 2 months now. Ain't that a bitch? So many false hopes and leads...I just don't know what to do. I'm just not sure what it is that I want to do anymore.

I've even applied to a few restaurants--something I didn't think I'd ever do again. But one of my friends told me about a friend of hers making no less than $150 at lunch at a restaurant in the Reston Town Centre. Unfortunately, that place wasn't hiring when I went in. I should probably go back, though...as the summer winds down, they'll need more people. And if I could do Monday-Friday during the day at this job and make that kind of money...I think I'd be okay with that. Especially since I wouldn't be sitting at a desk for 8 hours making that kind of money...I'd just be on my feet for a few hours and then the rest of the day would be mine to kill.

I think my main problem with restaurants in the past is that to make that kind of money during the day...well, you'd have to be pretty lucky, or a busy bartender. And making that kind of money at night usually involved an 8-10 hour shift anyway.

ARG!

So, on a happier note, I helped launch a boat yesterday--that was pretty bad ass. It was lucky that I'd sent out a general announcement on Facebook that I wanted to ride on a boat this weekend, and even luckier that my friend's father has a little sailboat that he was planning to launch for the first time in 30 years. So, I helped with things like pumping water and raising the mast...I put on the sail, almost entirely on my own, and then actually got to sail around the marina for a little bit. It was sweet. And, of course, I took several dozen pictures, located at http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=19078&id=1573980001&l=bbf469bf07 (hopefully, I'll figure out how to post a link shortly and fix this). As an added bonus, I managed to soak up lots of sun and even remembered the sun screen this time.

My show went well...the audiences weren't terribly big, but considering it wasn't a known show or a princess show, and it went up after the school year ended, we didn't do too badly. Apparently, I'm pretty funny as well. Aside from the magenta cupcake dress with green bows and the crazy hymen-buster shoes, and my oh-so-attractive mustache--all very funny in their own right--I seem to have good delivery.

Wow...um, so more stuff to write about, but ADD has set in.

So, I think I've decided that 30 is my shit or get off the pot age.

Clarification?

I think I've decided that's when I'm going to leave the DC area. Unless I've managed to nail down some amazing job and I'm suddenly high in demand in the theatre community. But really, I think a change will be in order. By the time I hit 30, I will have been in the DC area for 8 years. That's enough, I think. I need to try something different.

One of the hardest parts is leaving the general vicinity of my mom. It's hard for me and hard for her. I know she's said that she doesn't want me to stay here just because of her and her relative proximity to me, but I don't know how well she'd handle me being farther away. But I can't live my life based on that. I've got to get out of my comfort zone and find somewhere to be happy.

My first thought was Chicago. I've been there all of once, but I fell in love with it right away. But I've been thinking about it more and more today, and I could go to Boston, which would be awesome, or NYC, where I've never been. I could relocate to CA somewhere or even Hawaii. I could try to get a job in England, really. It's all very scary, but kind of exciting, too.

I just feel a bit like I'm going nowhere here. I've done this area, and I don't seem to have had a lot of success, really. A lot of broken friendships and bad memories.

If anyone has any thoughts on cities that are good to live in, I would appreciate some insight.

I HATE this.

I don't do unemployed very well it seems. I hate searching for a job, I hate not knowing what to do, I hate it all.

My biggest problem is that I don't know what I want to do. Most of the job descriptions I look at make me shudder and cringe and throw up in my mouth a little. The mere thought of going to some of these jobs on a day to day basis makes my soul hurt. Seriously.

All I really want to do is answer and transfer phone calls, maybe take a few messages and run a few errands, and call it a day. I realize this type of job doesn't exist anymore, though. It's quite depressing.

So, I'm stuck on this endless job search, trying to find some meaning in my life. What am I good at?

Not much, it seems. I definitely don't have any specialized skills. Well, perhaps I do, but being able to do a backbend isn't something that's usually requested of you in a job interview.

Did I happen to mention that depression is setting in? So, if I sound a bit like Eeyore, I apologize and am working on getting out of that mentality, but this whole situation is wearing on me. I'm having trouble falling asleep, and it's hard to get out of bed. And then it's even harder to leave the house. I haven't gone to the gym in weeks. Every morning, I wake up and think that I should go, that it'd be good for me, and since I have spare time right now, I might actually be able to, oh, I don't know, drop a few pounds. But then I think about it, and think about what I would do if I was at the gym--where to start, how much time should I put in, everything--and I psyche myself out. I don't know what's up with that.

I know I could always go back to waiting tables and bartending, and I'm fairly certain that if I applied at the new Hooters down the street, I could make a killing--possibly more than I could make at a desk job and in less time--but it's so hard to think about going back to that lifestyle. I don't know if I have the stamina for it, nor do I have the desire to be treated like shit by everyone who walks in the door.

On the other hand, I spent several months being treated like shit by the person who sat all of 3 feet away from me, so I don't know what the difference is.

Relocation is always a possibility I suppose, but I'm kind of in the middle of some things. I'm a few weeks away from opening Fairytales in Training, and auditions for Bye Bye Birdie in Arlington are on my birthday, and auditions for Children of Eden in Warrenton are in July (though I'm seriously debating that one). That's not to say that I'll get into either of those, but I think getting at least chorus parts in either of those is a strong possibility. And if I got into either/both of those, they open in September and October, respectively. Then auditions for It's a Wonderful Life at Elden Street are in October. And let's not forget that Elden Street has auditions for Rent next May...now's not a good time to think about moving, not when there's all this stuff that I want to do.

Another reason why restaurant work isn't ideal, since rehearsals are at night. And the money shifts are also at night.

This sucks.

A little tip for one and all...if you listen to a radio station on the way to work, and and the dj asks for people to call in about something pertaining to work, ask for a voice change. Refuse to on the air until you have been disguised.

Let me explain a bit...

Last Friday, the 1st, Kane asked if anyone's boss had gotten meaner during the recession because they knew you had no where to go. Well, I gave a call, and actually managed to get on the air. I didn't say my boss's name, or where I worked or anything other than my name, nor was I at work or on a work phone.

Apparently, someone at work also listens to Kane and heard the mean boss segment and told my supervisor (I could hear her listening to Kane podcasts on her computer, but I didn't really worry about it because they usually aren't uploaded until later in the day. Anyway, around 11, I got called into my supervisor's boss's office and was let go. And they actually cited the radio station phone call as a reason (illegal! Totally illegal--you can't use things that I say and do on my own time against me), and they also cited an email I sent to my personal email address from my work email address (a stretch at best, I think. Granted, kind of a dumb move on my part, writing LJ entries on my work email and sending them to myself to post later, but not the most heinous of crimes, really...especially not when you consider the woman down the hall who constantly claimed overtime that she never actually worked and was never even written up for it, but I digress), and said they'd had "this talk" with me several times before. Ummmm....sure? Now, there was a day when every single person got called in to someone else's office to discuss things like excessive internet use. I wasn't singled out with this one--even my supervisor got this talking to. All right. And actually, this was part of another meeting they had with me early in the year; I'd cut down on the time, but it was still too much (no problem--I would use it when I got in, before I clocked in and at lunch and that was pretty much it) and really not too much else. No one ever talked to me about any sort of attitude or behavioral problems I was exhibiting. As I believe I've already posted...their main concern was that it was "just a job" to me. And even then, they didn't talk to me directly--they talked to my supervisor, who then passed it down to me. And after that, I was given a "big project" to do, which I did and did well.

So really...I think they just wanted an excuse. I'm presuming Kristie (the supervisor) had decided that she didn't like working with me anymore and was working on phasing me out for a while (at least that's what it felt like). It's not fun going in to work and feeling like you're not wanted. I told this all to Threase as she was walking me out--it probably went in one ear and out the other, but at least I said it. I didn't yell or scream or anything--just made a few statements and was done with it.

Now, I'm trying to collect unemployement, which is odd--I've never had to do this before, but if I'm understanding the mail I've gotten, it looks like my old company may be disputing it. I have to do a phone call on the 3rd with unemployment comission to determined if I was fired for misconduct. Uhhh....no. No, I was not. Because, again, they can't use a phone call I made on my own time, in my own car on my own phone as "misconduct." The worst I can really be accused of is not being good at the job. And that's not a crime. It's unfortunate, but not a crime. And no one can say that I didn't try when I was there.

Anyway, it's just kind of a shitty situation.

So right now, I'm just kind of sitting around, watching a lot of TV, doing some reading, that kind of thing (you'd think I'd be using this time to do something constructive like go to the gym, but not so much...I think I'm borderline depressed at the moment and completely unmotivated). I've put my resume out there and I'm poking around, seeing what's what and actually have an interview on Monday. The really hard part is that I don't know what I want to do. I don't want to go back to restaurant work, not unless I absolutely have to; but I'm not sure if I'm cut out for office work, really. I think I might be ok with it if I could find a job with a bit more leniency. I mean in the respect that if I need to take a Wednesday off work, I can; I couldn't with my old job, mainly because that was the day we submitted payroll and attendance was essential. It's not that I typically need to take a Tuesday or Wednesday off, but it helps to know you can.

Any thoughts? If anyone has any experience with unemployment, or thoughts on a fun career move, I would appreciate it. Truthfully, I'd love to work at a vineyard, but I don't know if I can make a living just doing tastings. And I don't know how one goes about getting into a vineyard--jobs aren't listed on most of their websites.

I do know that I want to be happy at work...most people do. I just want to do something I'll enjoy.

*le sigh*

Oh, Virginia, you wiley, wiley woman you--gotta love a bipolar girl.

First it's cold, then it's so hot that the moment I step outside I'm dripping with sweat. Then it's back to being chilly.

Technically, temps in the 60s are not really chilly, but after 4 days of being blasted with 90 degree weather, it doesn't feel warm at the moment.

Not to confuse anyone--I don't mind it not being in the 90s. I'm quite content for temperatures to never reach that high. But seriously, this flip-flopping with the weather is driving me batty. When it's rainy and nippy, all I want to do is stay in bed and read and sleep. When the temperature starts to climb, I want to be outside, preferably at a vineyard with lovely bottle of wine close at hand.

On another note, simply because this is currently close at hand...I am so tired of my supervisor being such a freaking douche bag. One day she's all nice, and then all of a sudden, she's uber-bitch. I can't handle it. I can't. It's almost worth being unemployed at this point because I'm so tired of her being nasty to me for no reason. Like yesterday, I had balanced payroll and was waiting to hear from the other office about something. Anyway, I adjusted it and still balanced. Apparently, she was looking at an old copy of our spreadsheet and a newer version of the payroll summary from our provider, so she couldn't balance it, and it was getting really rude about it. So, I was like, look, I'll pull a new report and we'll see what it says. Fine, so I pulled the report and made a copy for her so we could both check. Well, my results were the same...so I waited to hear something from her and nothing. Not a sorry, you were right, not a I got the same amount as you, nothing. Just eventually she said, "Payroll's been sent." Seriously? You can't acknowledge that I didn't eff it up? Then there's the potential (I stress potential) screw up on the Maryland office's side, something they should have caught, but it's like it's my fault, at least judging by the email she just sent out. Really? I mean, isn't that why we send over those freaking reports every week, so they can check their work and make sure that everything's correct? It's going to be on my head, I can already feel it. It's like she wants to bury me. This woman, my supervisor, is the one who came to me at my old job (of bartending and waitressing) and asked if I was looking for a desk job. She sought me out, she wanted me to work with her. But now...hell, you'd never know it. And I'm kind of tired her whole marty act. We're doing a conversion from one payroll provider to another, and I know absolutely nothing about it. I haven't seen the new program, have no idea how to enter time, nothing. And she's coming in early and staying late to get all this stuff done, then talking about how tired she is. Well, um...hello? Very early in the process, she'd mentioned how we'd both have to put in extra time to get this done. Fine by me. And recently, I was like, "Hey, do you need me to come in early or stay later during this? Just let me know," and she said probably, but she'd figure it out as we got closer. Has she asked me to do anything? Nope. I'm here, I'm the flipping payroll ASSISTANT, and she's acting like she's the only one who can do this. Fine. Be that way. I don't want to play these games.

What really gets to me (I know, I know...bitch much?) is all the stupid emails she sends me. I mean, we share an office, we are all of 3 feet apart, and if she has something she wants to say, she emails it. Am I being paranoid, or is that childish?

I need a new work environment. I can't handle this place; it's so shady. For such a small company, the turnover rate is remarkably high. Right now, I'm just trying to do my job to the best of my ability and keep my nose to the grindstone so that no one has any real cause for complaint against me. Hopefully, it'll work until I can get in a better situation. I'm too old to be putting up with such childish behavior. What's ironic, and I may have said this before, is that all of the older people (approx 40+) are the ones who cause all the drama, and it's the under 30 set that just try to come to work and do their jobs.

But even that's a no-no apparently. I got a talking to one time because it seemed like this was just a job to me. I'm sorry...was me coming to work at a certain time and doing my work, and leaving at a certain time the wrong thing to do? I didn't realize that. What do they want? This is the first time I've ever done payroll, I don't know if it's something I'd want to make a career out of. And expecting me to know five months after starting if this is more than a job is asking a lot, I think. But I can tell you this....I don't want a career here.